Dumb Marco Rubio Has a Dumb Plan to Expand Gitmo, Torture More Folks

Desperate to stand apart from the pack and court soccer moms with a thirst for waterboarding, future presidential also-ran Marco Rubio staked out a remarkable policy position on day one of his campaign: He'd grow the detainee population at Guantánamo and "aggressively" pump prisoners for intelligence. » 4/15/15 1:58pm Wednesday 1:58pm

Get to Know Marco Rubio, the Biggest Idiot Running for President

A lot of people in the United States don't know anything about soon-to-be ex-senator Marco Rubio of Florida, which means he theoretically still has a chance to be president, the same way the Philadelphia Phillies can still theoretically win this year's pennant. It will not last, and it will never have been realistic. » 4/14/15 2:50pm Tuesday 2:50pm

Update: Tom Cotton Is Not Real

Last week, we posed a question. This week, we have an answer: "Senator Tom Cotton," Republican of Arkansas, is in fact not a natural human organism, but a hybrid experiment in which the brain of German general Erich Friedrich Wilhelm Ludendorff has been grafted onto the frame of a pugnacious giraffe. » 4/13/15 11:39am Monday 11:39am

Bush Officials ​Screwed Up FBI's Case Against Blackwater, Emails Show

Why did it take the federal government so long to prosecute the Blackwater contractors who shot up a Baghdad square in 2007, killing and maiming scores of Iraqis? Because investigators were trying to wait out the Bush administration, which wanted to go easy on the killers, recently unearthed documents show. » 4/13/15 10:19am Monday 10:19am

Dinesh D'Souza Is Incarcerated With a 400-Pound Bully and Loving It

Pimpin' ain't easy, but pimpin' while commuting from your La Jolla beach house to occasional evening confinement with a friendly roomie in a San Diego penal facility is jelly, according to convicted Ayn Rand interpretationist Dinesh D'Souza in a new bizarre video profile by Vanity Fair. » 4/09/15 2:34pm 4/09/15 2:34pm

Dick Cheney: Obama "Worst President" Ever, Wants "to Take America Down"

Someday, friend-shooting mountain warlord Dick Cheney is going to unzip his skin and Andy Kaufman will leap out. Until then, we can enjoy his slapstick apocalyptic-shaman shtick, like this interview yesterday in which he vacillated "between the various theories" on why Barack Obumbler is so weak and evil. » 4/08/15 4:13pm 4/08/15 4:13pm

Hey Taxpayer, Here's That $400,000 Fighter-Pilot's Helmet You Ordered

Jet jockeys gotta be able to see. I mean, once their jet gets off the ground, which the F-35 will, eventually, at some point in the next two decades, after 19 years and a trillion or so dollars in development. In the meantime, check out this boss helmet for F-35 pilots that costs about as much as a city in South Dakota » 4/06/15 1:03pm 4/06/15 1:03pm

Cops Watched This Crazy Al Pacino Supercut Before Busting Up Protesters

Via our friends at Ratter, here's "A Very Powerful Police Video" that made the rounds among California Highway Patrol officers getting "up" to break protests in the East Bay late last year. "Motivational" videos aren't new in military and cop circles, but they never get any smarter. Send us your best in comments. » 4/02/15 2:21pm 4/02/15 2:21pm

Is Ancient History Completely Made Up By 'The Man'?

Assume a notable story on a notable day in history—the lunar landing, say—was fabricated. Now assume that 400,000 to 2 million such days were concocted. You begin to get a sense of the scope of New Chronology, the "empirico-statistical" theory that much of human history is a fiction assembled to serve the powerful. » 4/01/15 10:17am 4/01/15 10:17am

Blackwater Is Still Getting Rich Screwing Up Our War on Afghan Drugs

The logo and the company name change, but business stays the same. The mercenary syndicate formerly known as Blackwater has raked in more than half a billion dollars from U.S. contracts to thoroughly fail at stemming the terrorist-supported trade in Afghan opium, according to a new government report. » 3/31/15 4:06pm 3/31/15 4:06pm

John Bolton Makes a Really Good Point in His Case for Bombing Iran

Post-peace hipster follicle-farm John Bolton is the latest contestant in the New York Times' "Who can write the insanest Strangelove shit about scary Persians?" sweepstakes, with an entry that concludes we must bomb... something somewhere. But if you pan this stream of consciousness long enough, a gold nugget turns up. » 3/26/15 11:42am 3/26/15 11:42am

Florida Orders Mental Exam for Worker Who Pushed Climate Change Agenda

Florida Gov. Rick Scott's unofficial official policy of climate denial has taken a turn for the bizarre: A high-level employee in the state Department of Environmental Protection now says he was suspended and told to get a medical evaluation for refusing to purge mentions of climate change from a state record. » 3/19/15 1:12pm 3/19/15 1:12pm